First Two Weeks

It was Friday the 13th, our first day home. The drive home from West Valley to Logan was one of the hardest drives of my life. Lance and I both would just randomly burst out in tears just thinking about what just happened. Lances Mom had called us on the way home, he just had to say sorry I can't talk right now. It was still so fresh and so emotional. We definitely needed that hour and a half drive home to process what we had just done. As we went the rounds to each Grandparents home I did everything I could to keep myself together. It was not easy! I mean come on I was supposed to be happy! It was just to painful. We were still in a twilight zone and seemed as if we were just going through the motions.
Our caseworker had mentioned briefly about P.A.D. Postpartum Adoption Depression. When they mentioned it to me I thought oh OK I think I will be fine. Boy was I wrong. All I felt were sadness and guilt for taking this sweet baby from our Brittany. She had been through so much in her life and here I was taking something good, a little miracle from her, and watching her grieve was more then I could bare. It was hard to remember with those emotions going through you that this was supposed to happen. She chose to do this and give this child something more. A stable family. That's the last thing you have on your mind when your grieving for Brittany. Lance was so amazing in all this he stepped into the role of Father so easily and I could not of asked for him to do more or better. He could see how much I struggled and would send me away for a minute to either call someone or just have a moment by myself to let it all out.
One of my biggest pet-peeves is when you have people telling you, oat least you got to do it the easy way and don't have to go through the hormone and physical pain! I just want to scream when I hear that come out of peoples mouths. This process hurt so bad that I said to myself I can't do this again. It's to painful. I was serious about that too. I thought I'm OK with just having Mason, I don't want to put someone else or myself through these feelings again. I told Lance those thoughts and he thought I was crazy for thinking that, which yeah I was now that I can see clearly. How could I ever think that with this amazingly beautiful little man that would call me Mom. How could I never want another one. Though this experience was painfully hard I wouldn't trade it for anything and I'm excited to start the process again when the time is right.
Enough of my crazy roller coaster, now to the little man. He's amazing and wonderful! We couldn't ask for a better baby. He is so mellow and content with things. He loves being wrapped up in a little ball and being snuggled till he's about to pop! He also LOVES bath time! He is definitely a water baby, which Lance and I are excited about. We think it's a great excuse for Grandma and Grandpa to get a hot tub.
We went to his two week check up and he has gone from 6 pounds 5 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long to 7 pounds 4 ounces and 21 inches long. I think it's Laura's milk that's making this kid grow like he's on steroids! Thanks again for that Laura, he loves it! Also Squiggles may have some competition. This boy can squirm! He seems to somehow have some Dickey blood in him.
From the time we left the hospital he has been so alert and strong, I forget he's only 2 1/2 weeks old cause he seems so much more older in his development. He has been holding his neck and head up since before we left the hospital. One funny thing about his features is that he has the hugest big toe ever! With a grip like a boa constrictor! His hands are also very large. When my sister Courtney saw a picture of him for the first time she said, holy cow he has man hands! His hair when wet is curly and is starting to come in very pretty golden blonde. I can not control his mane. He even has a cute little rat-tail on the back.
Everywhere we go we have people commenting, wow he looks just like you guys! We find it quite funny and amusing. It will be fun to see how his looks change as he gets older.

And that's the first 2 weeks! So far we have survived as well as Baby Mason, Thank goodness! We have had so much help and support from friends and family.Wether it's my sister or sister inlaw coming over to watch him while I clean or nap or my mom staying up at all hours with me. My mom is the greatest and spent more then a week with us at night to help us get use to this little man and deal with the changes. Lance was working from 2 am to 4pm so I was the loan ranger. My mom saved me! Thanks Momma!
And so this crazy journey continues!

Sometimes The Hardest Things And The Right Things Are The Same

I'm finally able to sit down and write about the day that broke my heart in two but also made it whole. I have had so many emotions going through me the last week that it has been hard to put anything into words. But here we go!
It was Friday the 13th, what a coincidence. I had showered about 8:30 and we got a phone call about 8:40 saying, " Can you be here in 20 minutes for placement?" I thought oh crap my hair is sopping wet and I have no makeup on, yep OK be there in 20 minutes! I was so frazled that I dont remember much up to the point that we got to the hospital. We got there and waited in the lobby with the caseworker. Brittany was in signing her papers for relinquishment. It struck me hard at that moment realizing what she was doing. She was giving up the one thing that was her. As we waited, we too signed our paperwork to take this child as ours. After she had a minute regain composure it was our turn to go in and see the family.


We walked in and the room was somber and sacred. I immediately went to the bed and embraced her. We both just sobbed together. My heart was breaking for her knowing the pain she was feeling. As soon as I would get myself together I would embrace her and start sobbing all over again. Were talking Crocodile tears!

One of the gifts we gave Brittany was a book called, The Kissing Hand. It's about doing hard things when you don't want to but know it's the right thing to do. In the book the momma racoon gives her son a kiss on his hand to take with him when he went to school. He was to put the hand next to his cheek whenever he felt lonely and wanted his mom, to remind him that she loved him. We had Brittany and Mason do the same. It was so tender when Brittany put her hand to his lips he started sucking on the palm of her hand.
There was a lot of peace in that room, so tangible. I wish I would have been able to concentrate more on that then the heartache I was feeling. After spending time together with Brittany and her Grandparents it was time to say our goodbye's. Brittany lovingly placed Baby Mason in my arms to symbolize us taking this sweet baby into our lives. It was a hard moment, but amazing.

We bawled some more........

Brittany was so strong through all of this. She truly is a remarkable young woman who I look up to so much. I could never Sacrifice the things that she has. Her strength gives me the strength to give this child everything and more she could ever want for him. All we could do was hold her tight and tell her Thank You. Where do you even start trying tell the mother of your child, Thanks.

We LOVE You Brittany! Thanks for blessing our family with something we could never give ourselves....... A FAMILY

Witnessing a Miracle

I don't quite know where to start because I'm in such a hard/grateful/amazing place right now with placement being tomorrow. I apologize if this post is all over the place but that's how my brain and heart feel right now.

I wanted to document the day he was born so I wouldn't ever forget it but I don't knowhow I could!

It all started August 9th, 2010. Britt was to be induced at that morning. As we waited around for the go ahead to come over we were so antsy. We got a text about 10:30 telling us they were not going to induce her yet but stripped her membrane to see if that would help things along. All of us involved were crushed. Britt, Lance, me, and everyone else involved. It felt like Christmas morning waking up, going down stairs and having no presents under the tree. We weren't sure what to do; go home or stick around and see if anything progressed. We decided to wait for a bit and see how things progressed. Throughout the day I felt strongly that it was not time to go home, and we needed to stick around! We received a phone call about 8:30 saying she was at the hospital and they were going to keep her. Happy Day!

Got to the hospital and said hello to Britt then left to sit in the waiting room till we heard the big news. As the night progressed we kept receiving updates. At around 1:30 am the Dr. kicked us out of the room and said Britt needed to get some sleep before she needed to push. Lance tried getting me to leave and head back to house to get some rest at least for a bit. I said heck no I'm not going anywhere! At about 1:50 am the nurse came rushing out and said Grandma get in here this babies head is coming out! Grandma looked at me and said, come on. I was like um I don't think she want's me in there. She said no get in here! So very scared I ran in with her. I have never seen a live birth so this was all new.

I can't begin to describe to you the peace that was in that room. The nurse stuck me front and center! I saw his little head sticking out and nothing I could do to keep the tears from coming out were helping. When he came out, eyes were opened and he didn't cry one bit. Yes he was breathing. He had such a sweet spirit and of course still does. The only cry I heard come out of his mouth was just a tiny one for about 2 seconds when they gave him his second shot. He was so content. It was such an amazing thing to watch. I won't ever be able to express to Britt fully what a precious gift that was for me. It brought a whole new meaning to this adoption.

I loved being able to call Lance in to see this precious gift. His eyes were so full of light. I have never seen him happier except for the day he married me of course! But even then it's a different sparkle. I could tell he bonded at first glance.

We spent some time all together then Lance and I got to go into the nursery and give him his first bath and clean him up. He loved his bath!!! Lance also got a crash course on putting on his diaper. It was so cute! After that we wen't back to the room and spent time with the family.

We ended up leaving about 3:30 am to try and get some sleep. I slept for about 2 hours. How could anyone sleep after something like that? That was day number 1.

New Arrival!

Dirty Little Word = Great Blessings

CANCER! It is one dirty word but who would have thought it would bring so many amazing blessings! It's funny how things sort themselves out in life. Without Cancer I probably wouldn't be where I'm at in life. Probably wouldn't have married Lance, and in the process of getting this amazing little baby.

I can't say that when younger I saw myself having my "own" children.It's not something I never imagined or really thought of. For me I think adoption was always ingrained to my brain and spirit.When I was younger (around 6 or 7) I remember thinking on many occasions, " Why do people keep having more kids? There are so many kids who need homes!" I was so perplexed by this. Now I find myself understanding why.

This adoption process however it ends in the next few days has been an amazing experience with ups and downs but I have appreciated every moment. My best friends mom said something to me when I was younger that told me " When you adopt it is the most spiritually guiding time in your entire life." Boy she was not kidding! Mason was definitely being prepared for us.

Here we are the day before Brittany is induced and I find myself with complete comfort and peace. Whatever will be will be. I know that we will have angels seen and unseen gathered around us at that hospital in the next few days. I will try my hardest to relay the incredible feeling and hardache (in Brittany's behalf) we will be experiencing when that baby is born and when we have that baby placed in our arms. I think some things will just be to sacred to tell but other things I hope can be an inspiration for all those who read it.

Until next time, Farewell! I will be a changed woman in more ways then one the next I get back on here! Thanks again for everyones love and support!