Count Your Blessings

Today, I am feeling incredibly blessed and know that Heavenly Father is looking out for me and my family.
My therapist has kept urging me to start a grateful journal so that I can have some good things to focus on daily. I have been ridiculously lazy, but today I have to give thanks.
Struggling with major depression and anxiety has taken a major toll on my family and I. Things are finally starting to look up. Before I didn't think I was ever going to feel happy or at peace ever again. I'm now seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and that their will still be hard days but I have hope now. I didn't have that before.
I was starting to get nervous about Lances OBGYN rotation coming up. It was going to be in Salem which is about 35-40 minutes driving. He would've had to have left probably around 3:30-4:00 am every morning, 6 days a week. He wouldn't be leaving the hospital till very late. This concerned me for so many reasons. I was worried about Lance driving that far on so little sleep. Lance doesn't do well driving if he's tired. The gas was really going to hurt us. I was concerned about not having a car for 6 weeks. I don't do well if I am stuck with no car. I feel trapped. I was worried because I just started to get better and knew that with Lance being gone so much, I would have a hard time. I was terrified that I would take 10 steps back for every 1 step forward.
With all of these things being concerns of mine, Heavenly Father has calmed those fears. Last week my visiting teacher and friend told me they had a car that they have been trying to sell. She is going to let me use her car and take the for sale sign down for as long as I need it. This was a HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders. The blessings continue with people offering their help with whatever I may need during this hard time. Today Lance received an email saying the hospital in Salem does not have a place for him. He will now be doing his rotation at Lahey Clinic in Burlington. Burlington is only 10-15 minutes away. I couldn't believe it. I feel so blessed and know we are being taken care of!
It won't be an easy rotation for Lance. This hospital has a reputation for being extremely hard on the students. They are also very tough on their grading. While all of these things may be trying for Lance, we can't have everything. We will take it.
I'm going to continue to count my blessings!
- Dani, Lance, Mason

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

My sweet little boy turned 3 today.
Mason I can't say enough about you. You are my little angel that keeps me going. Literally. Every morning I hear, come on mommy your all done sleeping. He then proceeds to pull my blankets off me. If it wasn't for that I would be in my bed all day not wanting to face the world. I love how you love. You have more empathy and sympathy way beyond your years. Your always wiping away my tears, and rubbing my arm or cheek saying, "It's ok mommy. Don't be sad, I love you so much.". You have that love for everyone and everything. Whether its an animal, toy or human.
I love how you call every grown up Mom or Dad. I love that you will cuddle up to anybody and give them some of the love you give me everyday. I love that sweet little voice of yours but most of all that contagious giggle. Please never loose that and keep laughing.
I love your ability to light up a room with your comedic ways. You make me laugh all day. The best part is that you know your funny stuff. I don't know where you get the material you do but it is a gift. Use it wisely. Never to hurt or make fun. Use it to brighten someone's day like you do now. Use it for good.
I could go on and on about the things I love about you. Your no longer a little baby, you have turned into a boy. I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit for our family. God truly had a hand in you finding your way to us. Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!



- Mommy and Daddy

Swimming with Fishies

Let me just paint you a picture of our day.
I had invited everyone over for dinner. Cami's Family, Dickey Parentals, Laura's Family, and the next door neighbors. My apartment is very small about 620 sq feet. So that's a lot of people for such a small place. The though came to my mind, Danielle you better take your anti anxiety before everyone comes over.
So everyone came and things were great. Food was delicious and we decided the adults would eat first since the kids food wasn't ready yet and they were playing.
We all are grabbing our food, eating, talking, and enjoying some grown up time. Now something you must know is that right now while I'm a little mentally messed up my senses are super heightened. Above the crowd of socializing adults I hear splashing. I knew immediately this was not good. I peaked in Masons room (and now I sooo desperately wish I had a camera to catch this in action) and this is what I saw:
Ivy standing on the book shelf creating monstrous waves splashing as fiercely as possible. Maia standing below the fish tank basking in the waves being splashed upon her.
Mason was not seen but I knew he was in there splashing to cause I could hear another set of hands going to town. I didn't dare look in any further for fear of how I would react to this madness! I started yelling at Lance,"Lance!!! Water, this is not ok!!!!" To me it felt like he took forever to respond and get the situation under control. As soon as Lance entered the room they took one look at him and splashed harder and with more fierceness. Lance removed both Ivy and Mason from the shelf and tried to make sense of what happened. Ivy kept saying over and over, "but it was Masons idea. He told me too! ". Pretty much it was like Masons room had just been through a flood. There was not one single thing spared. All the kids had all my nice heals out and they were all soaked, all of Masons books, toys, carpet, EVERYTHING! Not to mention it looked like the kids had a bath in their clothes. To top it all off my lovely child was found slurping up the fishy water off the bookshelf. SICK! Everyone started grabbing towels and tried to save the books and puzzles. We had a good drying crew! This was just one little cubby of books. Tim and Myles did a great job!



We got everything as dry as possible and hope the carpet drys before we get another really humid day. All in all the fish survived all though a little traumatized. We only lost a gallon of water and Ivy was really ticked she had to wear Masons clothes. My therapist told me I should start writing a gratitude journal and today I was grateful that I was inspired to take my medicine and best of all grateful I am able to laugh about all the madness(except for when I noticed my $120 leather shoes soaked with puddles in them). Don't worry the shoes survived, as well as the kids!



- Dani, Lance, Mason

Grieving

I have learned something today. I in my entire life have never took the time to grieve over everything I have and am going through. My life has been anything but easy, and all growing up I had more strength then one person should be aloud. I let things roll right off me and just said, meh this is out of my control and you just go on. I had faith like no body's business. I carried on and did it happily.
Now I feel like I have been stripped of all of that. The person with all the faith that everything would turn out fine is being dimmed and broken down.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the fact that my body is broken. I'm angry that my I don't have a properly functioning leg and never will. I'm angry at the fact that my body is always going through something. Im angry that I'm constantly in some form of pain due to my cancer. I'm angry at the fact that I have osteoarthritis at the age of 26. I'm angry at the fact that my body was thrown into menopause at the age of 17. I'm angry at the fact that I can't control my emotions and be the happy positive person I once was. I'm angry at the fact that people just don't understand. I'm angry at the fact that I have no control when I am able to become a mother to my next child. But most of all I'm angry with the fact that my body can not produce/carry/ or bare a child, ever. We're told we are to multiply and replenish the earth and that makes me angry that I can't. I have never ever ever grieved the fact that I will never produce a child and up until now I have been at peace and ok with that.
As I go through these ups and downs, highs and lows I'm grateful for the small and simple reminders that I am blessed. Even though right now it's hard to remember them at times because I'm so overwhelmed with anger. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who takes the time to make sure I'm taken care of and ok. He picks up the slack when I'm not ok and doesn't complain one bit. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness to have Mason in my life. He keeps me going. He is the most empathetic/sympathetic little soul I know. Today as I sat in my room sobbing he came wandering in and stopped, stared straight into my soul and said, "mommy are you sad(while rubbing my arm)?" I said yeah mommies sad. He then climbed on my lap put his hands on my face and said "mommy don't be sad" then just hugged me close which felt like forever. He continued to stroke my face and reassure me that I would be ok and I should be happy. I'm grateful for this little piece of heaven that I get to call mine.
I realize that today I may feel like this and tomorrow is a new day. A new day to start with a clean slate. I also know although may it be hard at times that this will pass. Through the Atonement I will find peace. Now it's time to figure out how. I will be ok. But for today it feels so cathartic to get all that out and just feel all these emotions happy or sad.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being to "open" with what's going on right now but my hope is that it will help someone else who is going through some of the same things. I'm an open book and I don't like to hide who I am. So many times with mental illness it's not ok to talk about or people tend to think oh just choose to be happy. It needs to be brought to the surface because so many suffer from it. I hope this helps someone out there. I know it did me.



- Dani, Lance, Mason

Boston United

Living in the place that was just shaken with terror is a surreal feeling. Boston is a special place. People are more passionate about this place then any other place I have ever seen, all the way from their history to their sports! Their passion at times can be taken as rude and over the top but that's actually now something I'm learning to love because after watching this tragedy that passion and fire gets stuff done!
There has definitely been a change in the air. I wish I could have snapped a picture of all the little things I have been noticing that shows how the people of Boston are rising up together to not be beaten by this. A few moments I wish I could have captured were; a man all by himself waving a big sign on a freeway over pass that said, "WE ARE ONE.", and a man lowering a flag to half mass reverently. The one that struck me most I saw while driving through a very busy intersection in town. At this intersection there are a lot of roads being thrown in to this one little place. There is always a few homeless people who are regulars. Usually you notice everyone ignoring them and driving on by, but yesterday was different. There was a man stopped at a light cheerfully and genuinely speaking with one of the homeless men while he waited for traffic. I was touched by his smile as these two spoke but most of all touched by the fact that he reached out to shake this mans hand. Something so small. The people of Boston have been changed. Everyone's a little kinder, a little more reverent. You can feel the kindness and concern for others in the air. It's a beautiful thing. In the wake of tragedy these people are standing united and strong! They aren't letting this bring them down. I'm grateful to be here during this time to learn from these people and have these experiences. There will ALWAYS be a special place in my heart for Boston.






- Dani, Lance, Mason

Lucky Girl

The last few days I have been completely withdrawn from everything. About once or twice a month I hit a time where I just feel numb and my emotions are super heightened and I feel like hiding in my bed under the covers so I don't have to feel or deal with anything. Luckily I have Mason that keeps me going so I don't end up wallowing for days. I just have to keep telling myself that this always passes and will be over soon.
The last couple days I feel like I haven't been able to function and everything puts me in tears and I just want to stare at a wall or sleep. Normal things that I feel like I can handle on a normal bases now become the end of the world. For instance today finding out that LDS Family Services is fazing out their adoption services. This crushed me and in the end I know as of right now there is nothing to worry about and everything will work out but it's hard not to be scared. I should mention that its not till November that I should really worry about this. I also never get homesick but am sure feeling it bad right now! I just keep telling myself I'm going home in June.
I'm so grateful for Lance and feel like one lucky girl! He is always quick to step up to the plate and take on the household tasks and care for Mason. If I need some alone time he will either take Mason on an adventure or let me run away for a bit. He also makes sure the house is cleaned cause he knows that if the house isn't clean during these moments of stress it makes my anxiety hit a breaking point. He does all this along with trying to juggle school. He never let's me see if he's stressed during this time, which is amazing cause lets face it I'm hard to deal with when I'm in one of these moods. Today I'm just feeling really grateful that I have him by my side until it passes and even after. Love you Lance.
- Dani

Managing Everyday Life

I feel like I'm relearning this on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I really have a handle on life and keeping things organized, clean, and productive. There are the days/weeks where I feel really pumped and inspired to plan my weekly activities to keep Mason and I happy, the house clean and organized, keep myself clean and happy, but most of all give my husband a nice calm environment to come home to after a day filled with medical things crammed inside his noggin. 

Why is it that it takes time after time after time to learn how to manage our lives? It takes less then a day to be thrown off my groove. Once that happens I'm in a funk and everything goes to craps. The house looks like a tornado struck, there are dishes that have been sitting in the same spot for days, I haven't gotten dressed or combed my hair, and Mason has watched hours of t.v. usually the same episode. I hate days/weeks like this. I turn into a mean moody crazy witch lady. So what is the secret to falling into this trap?   I'm not sure what it is but all I know is I have to figure it out quickly! We have finally hit the point in medical school where I become a single mom. I have been waiting and expecting this moment for a while and was surprised that it didn't hit till the end of the 2nd year. I thought, Isn't my husband supposed to be so ridiculously busy that he is nonexistent? Lance has been amazing at juggling school, family, and fun time. I'm pretty sure he's magic and is able to make more hours in the day because he should not be able to do what he does and do as well as he does in school. I think we have definitely been blessed in the sense that our family unit has not suffered or been neglected in the way you hear about when someone is in some crazy program like his. I'm grateful Heavenly Father has given us that. Lance definitely inspires me to keep my life organized and not waste time because it is precious. I just hate that the lesson isn't sticking! After looking back at all these failed attempts and noticing the pattern of chaotic life and organized chaos(because lets face it life is always chaotic and that's not a bad thing)  it makes me realize how important it is (for me, and Mason) to keep scheduled and organized. 

So as I prepare myself for the next 2 years to be a wife to a medical student that will be coming home at 2:00 am to sleep just to get up at 4:00 am I will try my hardest to keep all my crazy lists taped all over the fridge, calender organized, child fed and alive, myself clean, house cleaned, and family happy. But I think the biggest lesson in all of this is not to beat myself up when things get off track. Get back up, don't look back and think this is a new minute lets start it off right. If you have any ways that help to keep your life better managed please share your secrets!

Hard Decisions

I love doing hair and anything that has to do with making people feel beautiful about themselves. It's on my mind daily. Lately though I have had a power struggle with myself in my mind. There have been so many little signs and things popping up that doing hair has become stressful, frustrating, and eye opening. I'm now understanding a little bit why. One of the biggest things that has crossed my mind many times lately is how much time it's taking me away from Mason. Having the stress of an audit and dealing with the tax part of it along with other nitty gritty details with the hair industry, has been a huge sign of what I need to do.
From now on I will no longer be doing hair in Massachusetts. I will do haircuts for free to keep up on my skills but that's it. I figure if people want to do trade or something, then I will accept that. No monies! It is such a hard choice for me and I've been in tears all night about it but I think that's because I know I have to do it. With thinking about this through the night I'm seeing all the signs my Heavenly Father has been giving me for the last little while. I'm scared about things financially because we really depend on the extra income as little as it may be. But at the same time I feel peace about it and know things will be fine. I'm really grateful for the promptings I have received. I know my family will really benefit from this!


- Dani, Lance, Mason

Chair of Shame

We have tried so many different things as consequences for Mason. I decided to try the time out chair again. We talked about what the chair was for and how if he made a wrong choice he needed to sit there. If the words time out chair are even spoken and not even in a way that means he needs to go there he shamefully walks over to his chair, sits down and hangs his head. This is one of those times. He wasn't even in trouble.




- Dani, Lance, Mason

Big Day

Yesterday was a big day for a lot of people in my family and I couldn't help but share!

I will start with Mason. He's potty trained! I'm sure everybody already knows it from my millions of posts on Facebook but I wanted it documented here. If you like just skip past this part :). We felt like now was a better time then ever to get Mason potty trained. Life is only going to get busier and why wait. I started out searching the web for ideas and was having nothing but terror and anxiety about it all. The thought of MAKING my child sit in the toilet every 20 minutes didn't sit well but I figured hey all these people swear by it so I will give it a try. It all started out great and he was super excited about it. Then by the end of the night he thought that potty was the devil himself! Lance deserves a special reward for heading up that project. We knew we had to go about this a different way. Mason is very stubborn and I knew it was going to backfire if we tried another day like that. I had a few friends rave about this ebook you can find at www.3daypottytraining.com. I brushed it aside until that night and said well I may as well give it a try and if it works as well as they say it did then it won't hurt. I figured it was the cost of a box of diapers and it was the last box! We read it and gave it a shot the next morning. It was night and day how he responded to this new technique. It clicked for Mason half way through the day. Today we had no accidents accept at nap time. Which I don't even mind since he's been doing so well. That part will come soon I'm sure. I didn't know you could be so happy about potty training. It was much easier then I expected and I'm ready to do it again when I have to. We're proud of you Mason!



Next good news of the day is about my awesome Aunt Lisa. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was in both breasts and had spread a good amount. She went through the battle of Chemo, having a double mastectomy, and radiation. Yesterday she got to ring the bell at the hospital because she completed her last round of radiation!! I'm really excited for her. Knowing its your last one is like a weight being lifted off your shoulders in her case it was 11 pounds lifted off her chest! Love you Aunt Lisa!



Now for my last happy moment of the day I'm still giddy and teary eyed about. My nephew Jace is Autistic. He has never really spoke, forgive me if I'm wrong but he is 4. Sorry Angel! He use to be able to say a few small words but it stopped for a while and hasn't spoke for a very long time. Nothing you could understand anywase. Angel(sister in law) calls it Goblin Talk. He has been attending a very prestigious school in SLC that is very heavily geared to autistic kids. Yesterday Jace clearly started singing, "I like my blue shoes, I like my blue shoes!". I can't even imagine how happy Angel was to hear that. It makes me so happy and melts my heart! I wish I was closer so I could give him a big hug. I always hear about how much mothers of autistic children would love to hear them speak and tell them how they feel. I'm so grateful Angel and James got to experience that. They are amazing parents to him and do an awesome job at raising him! Love you guys!



Good day all around!

- Dani, Lance, Mason

Praise Pinterest

Pinterest has kept me from going insane once again! Granted there was one project where I wanted to pulls my eyes out and never finish I.E. my ruffle curtains. I don't ever want to do some of those at least for a year or 2. But I do now have both my windows in my bedroom covered with curtains. It only took me 6 months. Back to my sanity. Hitting the 2 year old age has brought many new adventures. One thing Mason has enjoyed discovering is opening and closing doors. This makes me crazy! It's not just a soft close of course it has to be slammed. I came across this idea on Pinterest and it has really saved my life. Behold, the noodle! It's great because the door can't be closed either so I don't have to worry about him locked in his room.



- Dani, Lance, Mason