Now I feel like I have been stripped of all of that. The person with all the faith that everything would turn out fine is being dimmed and broken down.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the fact that my body is broken. I'm angry that my I don't have a properly functioning leg and never will. I'm angry at the fact that my body is always going through something. Im angry that I'm constantly in some form of pain due to my cancer. I'm angry at the fact that I have osteoarthritis at the age of 26. I'm angry at the fact that my body was thrown into menopause at the age of 17. I'm angry at the fact that I can't control my emotions and be the happy positive person I once was. I'm angry at the fact that people just don't understand. I'm angry at the fact that I have no control when I am able to become a mother to my next child. But most of all I'm angry with the fact that my body can not produce/carry/ or bare a child, ever. We're told we are to multiply and replenish the earth and that makes me angry that I can't. I have never ever ever grieved the fact that I will never produce a child and up until now I have been at peace and ok with that.
As I go through these ups and downs, highs and lows I'm grateful for the small and simple reminders that I am blessed. Even though right now it's hard to remember them at times because I'm so overwhelmed with anger. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who takes the time to make sure I'm taken care of and ok. He picks up the slack when I'm not ok and doesn't complain one bit. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness to have Mason in my life. He keeps me going. He is the most empathetic/sympathetic little soul I know. Today as I sat in my room sobbing he came wandering in and stopped, stared straight into my soul and said, "mommy are you sad(while rubbing my arm)?" I said yeah mommies sad. He then climbed on my lap put his hands on my face and said "mommy don't be sad" then just hugged me close which felt like forever. He continued to stroke my face and reassure me that I would be ok and I should be happy. I'm grateful for this little piece of heaven that I get to call mine.
I realize that today I may feel like this and tomorrow is a new day. A new day to start with a clean slate. I also know although may it be hard at times that this will pass. Through the Atonement I will find peace. Now it's time to figure out how. I will be ok. But for today it feels so cathartic to get all that out and just feel all these emotions happy or sad.
I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being to "open" with what's going on right now but my hope is that it will help someone else who is going through some of the same things. I'm an open book and I don't like to hide who I am. So many times with mental illness it's not ok to talk about or people tend to think oh just choose to be happy. It needs to be brought to the surface because so many suffer from it. I hope this helps someone out there. I know it did me.
- Dani, Lance, Mason
6 comments:
Thanks for being so open and honest. You are inspiring. I have a few things I'm angry about too; let's be angry together. :) heart ep
LOVE YOUR HONESTY. i would only say or perhaps remind you that Heavenly Father has an individual plan for everyone of us. You can still be a mommy :) to Mason...
I will always remember you with your beautiful smile.
IT IS OK TO BE angry at times and to know why one is angry is important.
I am glad you sorted it all out in your head.
Love ya sista!!
Paola
Veronica is my sister. Sorry I did not know that i had to have a gmail account.
this is Paola from Singles ward in CT.
Paola delossantos
You are NOT alone. You have said things that others want to say but do not because they don't want to seem ungrateful for the things they have. I think you know that I KNOW depression. You can't believe how much I've thought about all of this in my 51 years, and a WHOLE lot in recent months. I always wondered how some people could always be so positive. My personal belief is that those of us that have depression will always struggle with that. I've learned quite a bit over my life that has helped me. I have personally found that it's best to rid your mind of all that junk/anger/grief. The longer we hang onto it, the more toxic it becomes to us. I usually write it down then rip it up and throw it away. It's kind of helpful to rip it all to shreds. I allow myself to have my "pity party" so I can get it out of my system. The trick is to not dwell there, and there are a few things I've learned that help me get out of it. 1. I make a list of all the things I'm thankful for every day. It's my gratitude list and it helps me really think about all the things that are right in my life. 2. Serve someone else. it helps me to get out of my mind when I do something nice for someone. We all have our own challenges. I'm looking forward to the life hereafter where all of that will be gone. Every day is a new day. Lean on your friends, family, and God. 3. God is the purifying power. When you feel like you can't go another step, get on your knees. Remember that he knows your pain, sorrows, and struggles. He has offered to take our burdens when they are too much. Ask Him to take them from you and give you rest. I'm sure you've done this, but there have been times when I've had to do it over and over. Good luck my friend! I'm glad you are sharing and I love you!
I don't think you're being too "open." Being open is the healthiest approach. Get those feelings out there! Get them outside yourself and then you can see them as something you can handle, something you can deal with. I would be angry too, for all of those reasons. I don't blame you one bit. You are a strong person Dani, even when you allow yourself to feel all those feelings.
Love you! Call me whenever you need to talk! You're in my prayers.
Danielle you always are amazing me!!! You may not see how strong you are but your words scream how strong you are! Even if you feel like you aren't! You are strong for being open and sharing! You are simply amazing! I love you even if you are so far away! :)
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