Gratitude and Cancer

Those are two words you usually wouldn't find in the same sentence together, but I find them a lot in my vocabulary together.

Right around this time every year, I look at a calendar and check off another year from diagnosis of a Synovial Sarcoma. A rare tumor that doesn't usually have the greatest of outcomes. But this year cancer and gratitude has come up a lot in my mind. It's no secret and I'm certainly not shy about the fact that I hit a really rough patch of depression and anxiety. It was a terrible place to be, with irrational scary thoughts going through my mind that I didn't feel like I had any control over. Thoughts like, my family doesn't deserve to go through this, they would be better off with out me or I just want to go away and thinking about how that would happen, whether it was ending my life or just disappearing by myself. The thought of leaving my sweet Mason was to much to bear. That boy saved my life. As I kept looking at this time in my life and my life 10 years ago, I can't help but wonder what the difference was. Why was it that I could be diagnosed with a life threatening disease, where doctors didn't have much hope for me and yet be so; at peace, full of faith, comforted, have gratitude, and oddly enough happiness? I'm just starting to realize that it was gratitude all along. But why was it so easy back then? It wasn't even something I had to think twice about 11 years ago. It came natural. I look at that girl from 11 years ago and I envy her, I want so desperately to be like her. It has caused me to reflect on that time in my life and study it, to learn from it. Who knows maybe it was an experience to help get me through something like this and to dig deeper then just having it come on its own. Although there are many reasons why, I know in my heart Heavenly Father have me that challenge. Why has it been so hard to pull myself out of despair and find gratitude for the things I have and the way, I'm blessed daily? We had a lesson in Gratitude in Relief Society that has really consumed my thoughts. I realize and know that the key through getting through this is gratitude and finding those simple things every day that I'm grateful for. It had been easier said then done, but I won't let it deter me. I still have really hard days but in those hard days I am finding sweet little moments and blessings. I need to hold on to those, and write them down so it becomes more engrained into my mind. It might take a while before I really start to "feel" the gratitude in my heart instead of just being something I'm saying. I have a small inkling of those feelings swelling in my heart and I hope I can continue to foster them.

So for today I have gratitude in my heart for a disease that could have easily taken me from this world.


- Dani, Lance, Mason