Swimming with Fishies

Let me just paint you a picture of our day.
I had invited everyone over for dinner. Cami's Family, Dickey Parentals, Laura's Family, and the next door neighbors. My apartment is very small about 620 sq feet. So that's a lot of people for such a small place. The though came to my mind, Danielle you better take your anti anxiety before everyone comes over.
So everyone came and things were great. Food was delicious and we decided the adults would eat first since the kids food wasn't ready yet and they were playing.
We all are grabbing our food, eating, talking, and enjoying some grown up time. Now something you must know is that right now while I'm a little mentally messed up my senses are super heightened. Above the crowd of socializing adults I hear splashing. I knew immediately this was not good. I peaked in Masons room (and now I sooo desperately wish I had a camera to catch this in action) and this is what I saw:
Ivy standing on the book shelf creating monstrous waves splashing as fiercely as possible. Maia standing below the fish tank basking in the waves being splashed upon her.
Mason was not seen but I knew he was in there splashing to cause I could hear another set of hands going to town. I didn't dare look in any further for fear of how I would react to this madness! I started yelling at Lance,"Lance!!! Water, this is not ok!!!!" To me it felt like he took forever to respond and get the situation under control. As soon as Lance entered the room they took one look at him and splashed harder and with more fierceness. Lance removed both Ivy and Mason from the shelf and tried to make sense of what happened. Ivy kept saying over and over, "but it was Masons idea. He told me too! ". Pretty much it was like Masons room had just been through a flood. There was not one single thing spared. All the kids had all my nice heals out and they were all soaked, all of Masons books, toys, carpet, EVERYTHING! Not to mention it looked like the kids had a bath in their clothes. To top it all off my lovely child was found slurping up the fishy water off the bookshelf. SICK! Everyone started grabbing towels and tried to save the books and puzzles. We had a good drying crew! This was just one little cubby of books. Tim and Myles did a great job!



We got everything as dry as possible and hope the carpet drys before we get another really humid day. All in all the fish survived all though a little traumatized. We only lost a gallon of water and Ivy was really ticked she had to wear Masons clothes. My therapist told me I should start writing a gratitude journal and today I was grateful that I was inspired to take my medicine and best of all grateful I am able to laugh about all the madness(except for when I noticed my $120 leather shoes soaked with puddles in them). Don't worry the shoes survived, as well as the kids!



- Dani, Lance, Mason

Grieving

I have learned something today. I in my entire life have never took the time to grieve over everything I have and am going through. My life has been anything but easy, and all growing up I had more strength then one person should be aloud. I let things roll right off me and just said, meh this is out of my control and you just go on. I had faith like no body's business. I carried on and did it happily.
Now I feel like I have been stripped of all of that. The person with all the faith that everything would turn out fine is being dimmed and broken down.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the fact that my body is broken. I'm angry that my I don't have a properly functioning leg and never will. I'm angry at the fact that my body is always going through something. Im angry that I'm constantly in some form of pain due to my cancer. I'm angry at the fact that I have osteoarthritis at the age of 26. I'm angry at the fact that my body was thrown into menopause at the age of 17. I'm angry at the fact that I can't control my emotions and be the happy positive person I once was. I'm angry at the fact that people just don't understand. I'm angry at the fact that I have no control when I am able to become a mother to my next child. But most of all I'm angry with the fact that my body can not produce/carry/ or bare a child, ever. We're told we are to multiply and replenish the earth and that makes me angry that I can't. I have never ever ever grieved the fact that I will never produce a child and up until now I have been at peace and ok with that.
As I go through these ups and downs, highs and lows I'm grateful for the small and simple reminders that I am blessed. Even though right now it's hard to remember them at times because I'm so overwhelmed with anger. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who takes the time to make sure I'm taken care of and ok. He picks up the slack when I'm not ok and doesn't complain one bit. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness to have Mason in my life. He keeps me going. He is the most empathetic/sympathetic little soul I know. Today as I sat in my room sobbing he came wandering in and stopped, stared straight into my soul and said, "mommy are you sad(while rubbing my arm)?" I said yeah mommies sad. He then climbed on my lap put his hands on my face and said "mommy don't be sad" then just hugged me close which felt like forever. He continued to stroke my face and reassure me that I would be ok and I should be happy. I'm grateful for this little piece of heaven that I get to call mine.
I realize that today I may feel like this and tomorrow is a new day. A new day to start with a clean slate. I also know although may it be hard at times that this will pass. Through the Atonement I will find peace. Now it's time to figure out how. I will be ok. But for today it feels so cathartic to get all that out and just feel all these emotions happy or sad.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being to "open" with what's going on right now but my hope is that it will help someone else who is going through some of the same things. I'm an open book and I don't like to hide who I am. So many times with mental illness it's not ok to talk about or people tend to think oh just choose to be happy. It needs to be brought to the surface because so many suffer from it. I hope this helps someone out there. I know it did me.



- Dani, Lance, Mason

Boston United

Living in the place that was just shaken with terror is a surreal feeling. Boston is a special place. People are more passionate about this place then any other place I have ever seen, all the way from their history to their sports! Their passion at times can be taken as rude and over the top but that's actually now something I'm learning to love because after watching this tragedy that passion and fire gets stuff done!
There has definitely been a change in the air. I wish I could have snapped a picture of all the little things I have been noticing that shows how the people of Boston are rising up together to not be beaten by this. A few moments I wish I could have captured were; a man all by himself waving a big sign on a freeway over pass that said, "WE ARE ONE.", and a man lowering a flag to half mass reverently. The one that struck me most I saw while driving through a very busy intersection in town. At this intersection there are a lot of roads being thrown in to this one little place. There is always a few homeless people who are regulars. Usually you notice everyone ignoring them and driving on by, but yesterday was different. There was a man stopped at a light cheerfully and genuinely speaking with one of the homeless men while he waited for traffic. I was touched by his smile as these two spoke but most of all touched by the fact that he reached out to shake this mans hand. Something so small. The people of Boston have been changed. Everyone's a little kinder, a little more reverent. You can feel the kindness and concern for others in the air. It's a beautiful thing. In the wake of tragedy these people are standing united and strong! They aren't letting this bring them down. I'm grateful to be here during this time to learn from these people and have these experiences. There will ALWAYS be a special place in my heart for Boston.






- Dani, Lance, Mason

Lucky Girl

The last few days I have been completely withdrawn from everything. About once or twice a month I hit a time where I just feel numb and my emotions are super heightened and I feel like hiding in my bed under the covers so I don't have to feel or deal with anything. Luckily I have Mason that keeps me going so I don't end up wallowing for days. I just have to keep telling myself that this always passes and will be over soon.
The last couple days I feel like I haven't been able to function and everything puts me in tears and I just want to stare at a wall or sleep. Normal things that I feel like I can handle on a normal bases now become the end of the world. For instance today finding out that LDS Family Services is fazing out their adoption services. This crushed me and in the end I know as of right now there is nothing to worry about and everything will work out but it's hard not to be scared. I should mention that its not till November that I should really worry about this. I also never get homesick but am sure feeling it bad right now! I just keep telling myself I'm going home in June.
I'm so grateful for Lance and feel like one lucky girl! He is always quick to step up to the plate and take on the household tasks and care for Mason. If I need some alone time he will either take Mason on an adventure or let me run away for a bit. He also makes sure the house is cleaned cause he knows that if the house isn't clean during these moments of stress it makes my anxiety hit a breaking point. He does all this along with trying to juggle school. He never let's me see if he's stressed during this time, which is amazing cause lets face it I'm hard to deal with when I'm in one of these moods. Today I'm just feeling really grateful that I have him by my side until it passes and even after. Love you Lance.
- Dani

Managing Everyday Life

I feel like I'm relearning this on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I really have a handle on life and keeping things organized, clean, and productive. There are the days/weeks where I feel really pumped and inspired to plan my weekly activities to keep Mason and I happy, the house clean and organized, keep myself clean and happy, but most of all give my husband a nice calm environment to come home to after a day filled with medical things crammed inside his noggin. 

Why is it that it takes time after time after time to learn how to manage our lives? It takes less then a day to be thrown off my groove. Once that happens I'm in a funk and everything goes to craps. The house looks like a tornado struck, there are dishes that have been sitting in the same spot for days, I haven't gotten dressed or combed my hair, and Mason has watched hours of t.v. usually the same episode. I hate days/weeks like this. I turn into a mean moody crazy witch lady. So what is the secret to falling into this trap?   I'm not sure what it is but all I know is I have to figure it out quickly! We have finally hit the point in medical school where I become a single mom. I have been waiting and expecting this moment for a while and was surprised that it didn't hit till the end of the 2nd year. I thought, Isn't my husband supposed to be so ridiculously busy that he is nonexistent? Lance has been amazing at juggling school, family, and fun time. I'm pretty sure he's magic and is able to make more hours in the day because he should not be able to do what he does and do as well as he does in school. I think we have definitely been blessed in the sense that our family unit has not suffered or been neglected in the way you hear about when someone is in some crazy program like his. I'm grateful Heavenly Father has given us that. Lance definitely inspires me to keep my life organized and not waste time because it is precious. I just hate that the lesson isn't sticking! After looking back at all these failed attempts and noticing the pattern of chaotic life and organized chaos(because lets face it life is always chaotic and that's not a bad thing)  it makes me realize how important it is (for me, and Mason) to keep scheduled and organized. 

So as I prepare myself for the next 2 years to be a wife to a medical student that will be coming home at 2:00 am to sleep just to get up at 4:00 am I will try my hardest to keep all my crazy lists taped all over the fridge, calender organized, child fed and alive, myself clean, house cleaned, and family happy. But I think the biggest lesson in all of this is not to beat myself up when things get off track. Get back up, don't look back and think this is a new minute lets start it off right. If you have any ways that help to keep your life better managed please share your secrets!